These Cuts and Scars
by therandomer5000
Summary: Leonardo has always been the leader and big brother of the family, he was a stable pillar that they could lean on but what if Leo breaks under the pressure? Will he give up altogether? Will he ever heal? R&R TRIGGER; SELF HARM, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE!
1. These cuts

**This is something I've been thinking about for a while to be honest. This is an angsty Leonardo fic. TRIGGER WARNING; Self Harm, Mentions of suicide.**

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**These Cuts**

Leonardo turned his back as his brothers started snickering, He looked at his father to see the disappointment on his face.

''I-I'm sorry Sensei'' Leo bowed sadly, ''I'll try harder next time''

''Leonardo you are now behind in your training'' Splinter frowned, ''Are you sure nothing's wrong?''

''I'm sure Master'' leo nods.

''Your arm's ok?'' Splinter nodded towards the bandage around Leo's wrist.

''Yes Father'' Leo gulped.

''Why won't you tell us what you did?'' Don smirked, ''Did you have an accident?''

''Aw! Leo has a boo boo!'' Raph grinned.

''Let Splinter kiss it better'' Mikey laughed.

Leo looked at Splinter, he hid his emotions until Splinter allowed him to leave.

he walked quickly out of the room and was soon running to his own room. he slammed the door and opened the desk drawer, he panted as he picked up his razor and unwrapped his bandages.

He pressed the blade against his skin and felt the cold steel draw blood as he pulled it across, his panting became heavy as his actions became more vigorous.

he stopped and realised he wasn't finished, he looked at his other wrist. This one was clean from cuts.

leo had always convinced himself he was fine as long as one wrist was still whole but now..

Now he knew wasn't fine

he was never going to be fine while living with people who expected him to be perfect.

Tears fell down his cheeks as he slashed his clean wrist, blood covered both wrists now and Leo was now feeling a little better.

The pain was helping him.. he was sure of it!

He chuckled darkly through his tears as he wondered what his brothers would say.

_''hey! leo's cutting!'' _Mikey would yell with a laugh,

_''Seriously?'' _Don would chuckle, _''You're so stupid! why would you cut! That won't change anything! you're a failure and no amount of cutting will change that!''_

_''Pathetic! I knew I should've been made leader'' _Raph would laugh happily,

_''You are not fit to be a leader anymore'' _Splinter would shake bitterly, _''Get out of this house! You're are no longer my son!'' _

Leo shuddered as he lay on his floor, he wanted to get in the bath and let his blood run out until he was dead but he knew what that would cause. The people around him would have to deal with his body, they'd have to clean everything up.

''Leo?'' leo jumped at the knock, he hid his wrists behind his back as his door swung open. Don and Raph were standing at the door.

''It's time for lunch'' Raph grunted, ''If ya don't come down soon Mike'll have a hissy fit''

''I'll be down in a minute'' leo nodded.

''you took the bandage off?'' Don smiled, ''Is your injury better''

''Sure'' leo smiled.

The door was shut and the other brothers were back downstairs. leo ran to the bathroom and bandaged both his arms again, he rushed back to his room and hid all the evidence.

he walked into the kitchen to see everyone smiling and laughing. leo smiled weakly and sat in his place where his soup was placed in front of him with a bread roll next to it.

''Only a small lunch'' Mike smiled, ''I'm gonna make a big dinner''

''it's fine'' Everyone smiled as the youngest sat down and ate.

Leo's stomach felt sick, he couldn't eat knowing what he had done to himself. he swirled the soup with his spoon and took a few sips but he just couldn't eat.

His wrists were burning and all the happy chatter around him was making him go mad, he wanted out, he wanted to be back in his own room.. Alone.

''You ok Leo?'' Mikey asked worriedly, leo looked up and shrugged.

''I'm just not really hungry'' leo said apologetically, ''I'm sorry Mike''

''it's not a big deal'' Mike smiled, ''As long as your feeling better by dinner''

''You're looking a little pale leo'' Don commented in concern.

''I think you should go have a lie down'' Splinter smiled gently, ''maybe that will help you feel a little better''

leo stood up and bowed gratefully before going to his room in shame.

he lay on the bed and cried silently.

''I hate my life'' He whispered quietly. ''I don't wanna live anymore''

A sob escaped his mouth and he was quick to stifle it, he couldn't let them know! They couldn't find out!

''I hate myself'' he sniffled, ''I wish I was dead..''

he looked over at the drawer with the razor in it before shaking his head. He could hear that his family were finished with lunch.

he left his room to go to the bathroom, he gave Mikey a weak smile on the way.

he stared at himself in the mirror and cursed himself before splashing cold water on his face but outside the bathroom he could hear a commotion in the hall, he listened carefully.

''Guys.. I found this in leo's room'' Mikey said worriedly.

''Why's he got one of them?'' Raph asked before gasping, ''Why's it got blood on it!?''

''Do you think?'' Don whispered but Leo couldn't hear the rest of the conversation as he was gripped with panic, he knew what they had found.

''oh no'' Leo whispered as he slid to the floor gasping for breath. ''They found it.. they know what i've been doing! They'll tell Splinter.. They'll laugh at me as I'm thrown out the door.. No..''

Leo could feel the tears pricking his eyes as he shivered.

But at that moment something inside him snapped.

he was done. it was over.

Leo no longer cared.

His tears disappeared and an empty feeling filled his chest, He felt completely numb and he realised that he didn't care that they had found out.

he couldn't even feel pain anymore, it hurt a little after but never while he was cutting.

He had broken and now he was dead inside.

''LEO! GET OUT HERE NOW!'' Raph yelled as he pounded the door. Leo opened the door and stared at the razor in Raph's hand. ''What's this!?''

''You have more bandages'' Don gasped.

Leo snatched the razor back and put it in his pocket.

''Put that thing in the bin right now'' Raph growled. Don stepped forward and unwrapped leo's bandages.

leo allowed him to do so.

As the bandages slipped off Don turned Leo's arm so the wrists were facing up. The cuts and scars were now on show, leo stared at them as his heart pounded painfully in his ears.

It hurt to just look at them.

''Leo..'' Mikey gasped as tears sprung to his eyes, ''How could you''

Leo looked up into his brothers shocked faces and cocked his head questioningly, This wasn't how they were supposed to be acting!

''You guys don't think it's funny?'' He frowned.

''FUNNY!? HOW IS IT FUNNY!?'' Raph yelped angrily and slightly fearfully.

''I thought you guys found my pain funny'' leo frowned in confusion as his brothers stared at him in dismay, ''You guys enjoy my failures? no?''

''Wh-'' The younger turtles stuttered.

''I'm sure when you reveal them to Splinter he'll chuck me out'' leo said bitterly, ''And you guys will finally have what you want.. go ahead.. call him I dare you!''

''No.. No we're not gonna tell Splinter'' Don sighed. ''You need help and Splinter won't approve of this''

''What's wrong'' leo spat bitterly, ''Isn't this what you wanted to see? Or is it too real for you? Don't you like seeing the cuts and scars? Are they making you uncomfortable?'' leo's voice wavered and became quieter. ''Didn't you want to see me finished?''

''F-Finish?'' Mikey gulped.

''yes Mikey. Finished.. I'm done caring anymore'' Leo took a deep breath as tears pricked his eyes.

The four brothers stood for a moment.

''Well.. if you'll excuse me I have something I've got to get back to'' leo growled quietly as he went back to his room and shut the door.

''LEO! LET US IN!'' Raph yelled as leo began cutting.

''You know.. it doesn't even hurt anymore'' leo breathed as he slashed his wrists, ''I've gotten so used to it.. I can cut as deep as I like and it'll still feel numb..''

''LEO!'' Mikey began to sob, ''STOP! PLEASE!''

''No'' leo sighed, ''I'm sorry but.. i can't live like this anymore'' leo began to cry quietly, ''I can't take this anymore.. There's no point in living anymore''

''Leo'' Donnie began gently, ''We can help you.. You're not alone in this anymore''

leo paused and relaxed a little.

''I-I'm not?'' he looked over at the door as it opened, he looked lost as he stared up at his brothers. ''Can.. is there really a way to stop this?''

''Of course there is'' Don smiled gently as he knelt next to his eldest brother. ''Everything's going to be ok.. I promise''

leo just looked down at the cuts on his wrists.

''These cuts are what I am now'' leo mumbled to himself.

His eyes widened as his brothers hugged him tightly, he felt warm.. He felt like there may actually be a chance.

At for that moment he felt a little at peace with the world.

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**I don't know why I keep writing these.. This is a two shot so turn to the next chapter and see how it ends!**


	2. These scars

**Thanks for coming over to read the next part! This is happier now! Still has angst in it though This is leo once he's healed! Enjoy**

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**These Scars**

Leo bowed to his Sensei with a small smile, he had completed yet another training course which meant he was back at the level he should be.

''Well done leonardo'' Splinter smiled, ''You've done very well''

''Thank you Sensei'' Leo grinned.

''Now I must ask.. You've had those bandages on for a year now..'' Splinter frowned, ''Why haven't you taken them off''

Leo's grin quickly fell off his face and he bit his lip. he looked over at his brothers for reassurance.

They just nodded and smiled at him but leo sighed.

''I'm just not ready'' He answered weakly.

''Ready for what?'' Splinter asked worriedly.

''Master'' Don interrupted, ''Can we speak to leo alone for a sec?''

Splinter nodded and left the dojo.

''leo'' Don smiled gently, ''You're better now. You haven't cut in a year and you're back to being good old you! Taking off these bandages and admitting your past is closure.. Once you've done that you'll be completely healed!''

''Please leo'' Mikey begged.

''We just wanna see you better'' Raph nodded softly. leo sighed and nodded,

''Fine'' he unwrapped the bandages to reveal the many scars he had left, He looked at them and was reminded of past pain. he cringed as he put his hand over his left wrist and felt the scars underneath.

He felt a hand grip his wrist softly, he looked up to see his brothers smiling.

''You've done it leo'' Don nodded. ''You're free''

''We're proud of you bro'' Raph grinned. Mikey flung his arms around leo's neck, Leo hugged him close as tears came to his eyes.

He was free.. he was actually free! He had survived his depression! he'd stopped self harming! he was better and.. he wasn't numb anymore! he felt loved and happy again!

Mikey's arms tightened around him as Leo let out a shuddering breath.

''I-I'm free'' leo breathed, ''I've survived and now I'm free''

The brother congratulated their leader and grinned.

''Way ta go!'' they grinned.

Splinter came back into the dojo.

''My sons'' he smiled as his children turned to face him. his eyes widened at Leo's bare arms. ''Leonardo.. You have taken off the bandages'' He smiled before noticing the white lines. ''What are those? Scars?''

he stepped towards Leo and the boy stepped back and cringed.

''leo'' Leo looked over at his brothers. ''it's ok''

Leo stood still as his father took his hand and turned them until the scars were on display.

Splinter stared with wide eyes and stroked the scars with his thumbs.

leo wanted to pull back and hide but the reassuring looks from his brothers made his refrain from doing so.

''What have you done'' Splinter breathed,

''Huh?'' leo frowned.

''This was a very dishonourable action'' Splinter straightened up and backed away from leo with a look of disgust. ''What possibly could have caused you to do such a disgusting thing?''

Leo stared in shock and sadness, he gasped as his heart ached and broke.

''M-master'' leo stuttered.

''How could you harm yourself'' Splinter spat, ''All our lives have been spent protecting one another and THIS is how you repay us!? By trying to kill yourself!?''

''I-.. I'm sorry'' leo looked at the ground as his tears fell onto his cheeks.

''Sensei.. He's not doing it anymore'' Donnie frown.

''Quiet Donatello'' Splinter snapped but Raphael stepped forward angrily with his brothers slightly behind him.

''no! We've spent the last year trying to help Leo and we're not gonna let ya toss all that away!'' Raph growled, ''Leo has tried so hard to put himself together and now he's confident enough to admit it and this is how you're gonna treat him!? HE'S STILL YOUR SON! NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES!''

Splinter's frown deepened as he was about to shout back but was stopped as leo ran out the dojo, His expression softened into one of guilt.

''Leo'' Mikey sighed.

Splinter followed the sad turtle, he pushed the bedroom door open and paused at the scene in front of him.

Leonardo was sitting on the floor shivering and scratching at his wrists.

''What are you doing?'' Splinter asked gently.

''The guys threw all my razors away'' Leo mumbled quietly,

''Leonardo.. I'm sorry about the way I acted'' Splinter sighed as he knelt in front of leo, ''I was just shocked and scared by the news... It does not excuse my actions but.. you should know.. I'm proud of you for fighting it and getting better''

''My brothers helped'' leo shrugged.

''yes but it was you that had to put the real effort into it'' Splinter smiled gently, ''Promise me you'll never cut again''

''I promise.. father'' leo smiled as his father hugged him and left the room.

''These scars..'' leo smiled, ''these scars show who I used to be and how I saved myself.. They show that anything is possible''

''leo?'' leo looked up to see his brothers smiling.

''You want some cake?'' Mikey grinned. leo laughed and nodded as he followed his brothers down to the kitchen.

Cuts turn to scars as time goes past

and Bad things pass and turn to good things in time.

It gets better..

Believe me.

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**And there we go.. Hopefully that'll be the last self harm fic I'll ever write! Please Review xx**


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